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Posted on 23 May 2015
Taa's civilization was one of the last still in existence. Lethal radiation caused by the "Big Crunch" this universe was experiencing was wiping out all life across the universe. Galan, a space explorer, was dispatched to travel through the cosmos to find a means of saving Taa, but he found none.
The radiation eventually killed off all but a tiny fraction of the population of Taa. Knowing their deaths were inevitable, Galan proposed to the remaining survivors that they die gloriously by piloting one of their starships directly into the heart of the "Cosmic Egg."
As the starship containing Galan and his fellow survivors approached the focal point of the Big Crunch, the heat and radiation killed all the passengers except Galan, who strangely found himself filled with new energy.
At the moment Galan's universe met its end, the Phoenix Force amassed the positive emotions of all living beings in the cosmos to preserve them from eternal damnation, enabling the Sentience of the Universe — the previous universe's equivalent to Eternity — to meet with Galan.
Within the "Cosmic Egg" the Sentience of the Universe revealed itself to Galan and informed him that though they both would die in the final moments of the universe, they would both survive through a joint heir born into the next universe. The Sentience of the Universe merged itself with the mortal Galan and thus Galactus, the devourer of worlds, was conceived. --Handbook of the Marvel Universe, Galactus Entry
Galactus is now thought to be a Herald of Franklin Richards (this is implied from a statement from Nathaniel Richards, Reed Richard's father) after a confrontation with the Mad Celestials in which Galactus appears to be defeated and potentially mortally wounded. He is resurrected and restored with the powers of Franklin Richards. Whether this is hyperbole or a statement of fact remains to be determined. It is also noted Franklin and Galactus will be aware of each other for billions of years in the future. Stand by for your moment of awesome:
Posted on 23 May 2015
"tell me, do you bleed?...You will!"
Posted on 7 May 2015
Posted on 20 April 2015
“I want you to remember, Clark, in all the years to come, in all your most private moments, I want you to remember my hand at your throat. I want you to remember the one man who beat you.”
"we’re not adapting this thing, but it is the thing that will help us tell that story"
Posted on 18 April 2015
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Posted on 28 December 2014
B: "Tell me this, you have been travelling the galaxy and possibly the universe devouring planets and systems is that correct?"
G: "Yes I am the immortal devourer of worlds."
B: "Then you have seen all the elements and all of the materials of the universe, have you ever seen this one?" <Batman holds up a small shard of glowing green crystal.>
G: "No. How could this be, I have never seen that element."
B: "It has unique properties and is one of a kind and you can see the unique energies coming off of it can you not? Do you want to take a risk on what it will do to you if you eat it?"
Posted on 7 June 2014
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The Joker: [Batman puts the Joker in an arm lock] What are you doing?
Terry McGinnis: Fighting dirty.
The Joker: The real Batman would never -
Terry McGinnis: Told you you didn't know me.
Terry McGinnis: [retreats into the rafters] The real Batman never talked to you
Terry McGinnis: The real reason you kept coming back was you never got a laugh out of the old man.
The Joker: I'm not hearing this...
Terry McGinnis: Get a clue, clowny! He's got no sense of humor! He wouldn't know a good joke if it bit him in the cape... not that you ever had a good joke.
The Joker: Shut up... shut up!
Terry McGinnis: I mean, joy-buzzers, squirting flowers, lame! Where's the "A" material? Make a face, drop your pants, something!
The Joker: Show yourself!
Terry McGinnis: You make me laugh. But only 'cause I think you're kinda pathetic.
[mimics the Joker laugh]
The Joker: Stop that!
Terry McGinnis: [still laughing] So you fell in a tank of acid, got your skin bleached and decided to become a supervillain. What? You couldn't get a job as a rodeo clown?
The Joker: [pulling out some grenades] Don't you dare laugh at me!...
Terry McGinnis: [laughs more] Why? I thought the Joker always wanted to make Batman laugh!
The Joker: YOU'RE NOT BATMAN!
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[Beasts] do not remember; mankind does. Man is an historical animal, whose memories weigh down upon him. Happiness is forgetting, though remembering is what gives man the ability to utilize lessons from the past in the present.
Posted on 15 May 2010
As we all know Batman has promised not to kill anyone. Well in the games Batman Arkham City and Asylum he lands some pretty hard hits on the thugs and criminals he is fighting. After you hit them couple times they fall uncoscious . They wake up after a few seconds then you hit the again and the fall unconscius for the second time. The promblem is that they dont get up no matter for how long you wait. Are they in coma? Can they die from the hardass punches Batman does? So my suggestion is that you do some reaserch on that who knows maybe you can even make a video about this. PS Sorry for the bad english.
Posted on 4 October 2015
Anyone wish she stayed dead? I'm not asking to be a dick or anything, but i feel like if she stayed dead then the dark tone of the game would've felt more...Present. Also, it would've made the story a lot better too because it would be very emotional. Especially since Barbara has appeared in every Arkham game (on consoles anyway). Some people are glad she wasn't dead, but i kind of wish that her suicide was a hallucination, then Batman finds out she was alive, and she actually does die after that. Would've made players go "Oh, so she's alive! Oh, so she isn't..." and again, would've made the story more emotional.
Posted on 29 August 2015
In Mario Galaxy, there were sections where the player had to run from a cosmic clone. This clone would perfectly imitate the movements of Mario or Luigi. Physical contact with the entity would result in the player losing 1/3 of his life.
Here's some footage of what I'm talking about. For mobile users, it starts at 40 seconds in.
Batman is being chased by a similar entity. Assume that there's literally no way to stop this thing.
There is no way to hinder its movements, as the clone can go through walls or run in mid-air without stopping.
Creating an anti-clone gadget or asking someone for a favor won't work.
Batman dies if he gets tagged three times. How long does he last?
Posted on 19 August 2015
So Batman and Catwoman finally bang, and it turns out - surprise! She has the curse from It Follows. If Batman does not have sex and pass on the curse, an unstoppable monster will come for him and try to kill him. If the person that he gave the curse to dies, it passes back to the person who had it before...which would be Batman. Plus, since he doesn't want to see Catwoman die, martyring himself to save others isn't going to be an option. Can Batman survive the curse while still attending to his superhero duties?
Round 1: Batman is on his own here.
Round 2: The whole Justice League is ready to help him out, as well as "help him out" with his curse problem.
Posted on 15 June 2015
Again, I've posted before how I don't get the fascination with killing Batman or Batman at the end of his crime-fighting days.
My hope is that Batman does not die in Arkham Knight and WB Montreal, or whoever, takes on mantle and keeps producing Batman games.
Of all the other comic book characters he translates well to this because he isn't super powered (what threat is there to Superman in a video game?) and he also has an entire mythos surrounding him and his allies/enemies.
People talk about a suicide squad game but I like playing as Batman specifically to beat up the "bad guys" and whatnot, not play as them.
And don't get me started on Batman Beyond.
You didn't necessarily need an arch over the whole three games. Any Batman adventure/mystery can stand on its own and I wish that's the direction they'd take with future games.
It's probably very moot for me to even care but does anyone else agree?
Posted on 1 June 2015
It boils down to this:
Batman can either let this person go back in time and save his parents from dying, resulting in Batman never existing.
Or he can follow him back and stop him, but would have to watch his parents die, or at the very least listen to the gunshots and screaming all over again.
What does he do?
Posted on 1 May 2015
Posted on 16 April 2015
[WP] The scarecrow has poisoned Gotham's water supply with a toxin that makes everyone post Batman prompts.
"Obsessed with Batman," the Joker had declared himself at the last meeting of supervillains. And it got me thinking: if only everyone in the city really took the time to consider the absolute lunacy of it all, they'd probably hate him too. I mean, a man running about in a bat costume and beating up ordinary citizens? Ok, maybe not "ordinary" citizens. Some of us are a little strange. But we're still people, right?
That nugget of an idea turned into a plan, as they often do. If everyone in the city was like Joker, the Batman wouldn't stand a chance. We just needed them to think about him a little bit more. A lot more, actually. So much so that they are driven mad by their new-found obsession. Driven to the point that they'll do anything to get rid of him and clean the scourge from their minds, maybe?
The chemical mixture was simple, really. Child's play for someone of my abilities; I specialize in madness. Joker, my partner in this endeavor, was responsible for devising some sort of delivery method. Unsurprisingly, he came up with some elaborate scheme to deploy clown-shaped hot air balloons that sprayed it into clouds, to be dispersed by rainfall. Dumping the barrels into the reservoir would have worked, but I like to indulge the Joker whenever possible. Stay on his good side, you know?
I can hear the pitter-patter of the rain on the rooftop now. It's always been a comforting sound for me; doubly so knowing that it will lead to Batman's demise in just a few days.
I load up Reddit on my phone and check /r/Writingprompts, as usual. But today is not for writing; today is for assessing results.
[EU] Batman dies unexpectedly, this troubles The Joker so much that he swears to protect Gotham himself, and does a better job than Batman ever did.
The top post, and rising quickly. Perfect; he's the only thing that anyone wants to hear about. I show the Joker, and he cackles appreciatively. His laughter bounces around the empty warehouse.
"You know," he says after a while. "I didn't mention this before, but there is one potential drawback."
I cock my head inquisitively
"They become obsessed with Bats, right? Well, what if their madness goes a different route than mine? What if they're more like him? What if they want to become Batman, instead of killing him?"
Before I could answer, the lights snap off. Someone has cut the power.
A flash of lightning illuminates the room. In the windows above, silhouettes. Not one, but dozens. Dozens of pointy bat ears.
Posted on 25 March 2015
Edit: Got back from school and saw a bunch of prompts, plus more submitted about Batman! Words can't describe how delighted I am about this!
Posted on 24 March 2015
Archer has read the comic books so he knows what's up.
Round one: New Bats retains his aversion to guns and such, but Archer still knows krav maga. How does he fare?
Round two: The Sterling Knight goes on a rampage, no weapons barred, full access to Bruce Wayne's resources. Krieger is his Lucious Fox. Who can't he beat?
Bonus Round: Could Archer keep his new identity secret?
Posted on 22 February 2015
If batman has a chance to kill the joker, and he doesn't, and then 10 minutes later the joker goes and kills 50 people, how does batman not realize he's basically letting these people die? And this doesn't just apply to batman, there's tons of superheroes who let mass murders loose. What's the rationale behind this?
Posted on 18 November 2014
This applies to all versions and universes, including both (or, all three, if you count Burton/Keaton as separate from the 90's abominations, which I do) movie universes.
Most people know that Batman has a strict rule to never kill any enemy, no matter what the circumstances are, as he's "no executioner" (at least, post-Golden Age of Batman around the late-1930s-early-40. During this point Batman was a badass who was closer to The Punisher than a ninja detective. He even used firearms, hanging criminals from his Bat-Plane, slicing them with swords, running them over with cars, throwing them off rooftops, slicing them with Batarangs, etc.).
Ironically, Batman had set up an automated protocol via satellite to kill any of his fellow superheroes in Justice League of America (JLA). JLA is pretty much the DC version of The Avengers, and it includes Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Green Lantern, and others. Batman set this up and tailored it specifically for each superhero -- which seems a little dark for me. So, you could argue that he has "planned" to kill superheroes on a more specific, drawn-out way than he has planned to kill villains.
Also, I think it's his no-kill policy that makes him so popular, since it shows humanity, discipline, and respect. The credit would at least partially go to the super-conservative moms in the late 1940s, who weren't fond of "this Batman character" wielding guns and killing people. So, DC immediately him (and Superman and everyone else from "Detective Comics"),
Here are the reasons for his no-kill policy:
This rule is rooted in mostly in principle -- to not "stoop down" to the level of those he's fighting -- which is why he also never uses a firearm, since it was the weapon used on his parents. (Nolan did a good job of catching the casual audience up to speed on his no-kill/no-gun policy, even though it took lucky timing by Falcone's hit-woman to "prevent" Bruce from using the gun, and it took a couple of slaps from Rachel to set him straight. My favorite part is when the Fatmans -- aka fake Batmans who happen to be fat -- use guns in the beginning of The Dark Knight, and Scarecrow says "that's not him" -- which is a sign of begrudging respect and acknowledgement). **
His rule is also based on fear**, fear of what he may become should he allow himself to kill, since it could be a slippery slope if he kills based on justification and "justice."
Lastly, he has the rule to limit the "heat" he gets from the Gotham Police, since killings -- even of high-level mobsters -- would be a homicide/murder case, since he's a vigilante and not a part of law enforcement. If he started to kill some villains, no matter how guilty the villains are/were, the killings would still be murder charges, and Batman would start to look more like a serial killer than a "guardian of the night."
But anyway, would Batman be a more effective and efficient superhero if he didn't have that rule?
Now, I'm not saying that his M.O. would be "kill all mobsters," or, in other words, it's not like Batman would be out hunting for people to kill.
My proposal/hypothetical would be: What if Batman allowed exceptions to his rule, where he deems that the benefits (immediate and permanent cessation of the near-certainty of further deaths, crime, and chaos) of killing of the villain would significantly outweigh the costs (costs being: slight loss of humanity, compromise of principle, added "heat" from cops, possible self-loathing from "stooping down" to the level of those he fights, etc.)?
Most of the time, Batman gets the job done without needing to kill, and I acknowledge that. Also, this wouldn't really be a personal code or a self-administered "license to kill" (i.e., "I am allowed to kill when justified"), but it would be an exception to his current code (i.e., "My code: I will not kill anyone. But in exceptional cases where it is the only option to prevent further deaths of Gotham citizens, I have to do my duty and ensure the safety of Gotham.")
There are instances where if he killed a villain who not only had already killed many citizens, but his eventual (and inevitable) "escape" from Batman would lead to more deaths. The Joker would be an obvious example, and he's pretty much takes advantage of Batman's rule, at times mocking him that Batman's persistent need for order can lead to collateral damage/deaths when it faces chaos (Joker). So, for example, if Batman actually breaks his rule and kills the Joker -- and it would NEVER be a situation where it would be an execution-style killing, but more likely self-defense or to thwart the villain from going through with a mass murder plan -- wouldn't it be fair to say that the good significantly outweighs the bad?
Take The Dark Knight for example.
If Batman had killed The Joker when The Joker was literally firing at him (though, likely not firing to kill Batman, since he didn't want Batman to die), with The Joker saying "hit me, come on, hit me, hit me, HIT ME!" (which, as I said, was an example of The Joker taking advantage of Batman's "one rule") he could have killed him WITH the police (especially Jim Gordon) witnessing The Joker firing at Batman. The Joker's death would have prevented plenty of deaths: the deaths at the precinct and holding cells (btw, how in the hell did The Joker survive all of that but no one else did?); any deaths from Batman's encounter at the unfinished condos; the turn of Harvey Dent into Two-Face, which resulted in more deaths, including his own; and finally, killing The Joker would have prevented that situation where two ferries with 600-700 people total were prepped with enough explosives to kill either and/or both ferries, and not only where they one click away from blowing themselves (or the others) up, but The Joker was literally about to blow them both up had he not asked (or mini-mologued, "speaking of which, do you want to know how I got these scars?", followed by Batman retorting with his own quip of "no, but I know how you got these!" and shooting out his arm blades and throwing him off the building, before, of course, saving him.
TL;DR -- Does Batman's strict no-kill policy inadvertently lead to more deaths than prevent deaths? It's not so much that I would advocate a "license to kill" mentality, but more of a "there's an exception to every rule" mentality, where exceptional circumstances call for exceptional measures. For e.g., in The Dark Knight, plenty of people died after Batman bailed on his Batpod with his chance to kill The Joker, who was a half-second button-press away from killing 600+ people on the two ferries.
Posted on 11 November 2014
I was re watching the first two Burton films when I noticed Batman was pretty brutal in those films.
The First time was when Batman blew up the factory. There were at least 4 people standing around that car when his wheels dropped the bombs. Best part of all...Batman wasn't even in the car!! He practically droned them.
Batman chases the Joker up the church only to be met by one of his better henchman. They scrap it out for a bit and then he thinks he knocks Batman down the tower. When he goes to see if he's gone Batman pulls him down to his doom, the henchman seems to fall like almost endlessly. There was no way he could survive that.
The last person he killed on the first one was the Joker. When he tried to get away on a helicopter Batman attached him to a heavy gargoyle...now what did Batman possibly think this was going to do? In the comics he would of let him go to find him another day, but it seems like he was just not having it.
Lastly Batman take a bomb from a henchman that he fights. He must of seen there was a lot of time still on it so he took it elsewhere. Batman then runs into this clown he can't knock out with his fist, so what does he do? He attaches the bomb to the man's stomach and throws him into a pit. The explosion coming from the pit was huge so nine times out of ten he died.
Edit: This has been a really good discussion so far, but try not to downvote people for their opinions guys. Some people hate, like, and feel indifferent about the first two Burton films and that's ok, because in the end it's all about the Batmans. I just started this to see what other bat fans thought about them as well.
Posted on 11 July 2014
Who would win if Bruce took the place of L in the anime?
Edit: This is Batman in the exact position L is in the anime, Batman is unknown to the world and is only known to the higher ups of the police department. He's called upon after all the criminals start to die, he's in complete secrecy. Light has absolutely 0 idea that Batman exists. How does Batman tackle this situation?
Posted on 12 May 2014
No one could pull off half the random crap Joker does unassisted. All the near deaths, convoluted plots and inevitable escape attempts... impossible without some other force at work. But really, it's his name that gives it away. He's got a power any comedian, class clown or joker would kill for.
He has a supernaturally good sense of timing.
That's why all his schemes can work and why the only times he gets caught are when he can safely get away later. Because even if he's unaware that he's doing it, he's always in the right place at the right time.
Edit: Joker probably isn't aware he even has this power, but it's part of the reason he never gets over his insanity. Because everything always works out for him, he's never confronted with facing reality aside from the chaos he creates. Except... for... the Batman. Maybe he's immune or maybe he's just so organized he can cut through the chaos, but for whatever reason Batman's the only one who can overcome this subtle power. Joker may be aware of this subconsciously or just pick up that things go wrong whenever Batman's around, but he knows he NEEDS to kill him.
Edit 2: Maybe the Joker doesn't need to KILL Batman, but I think he does want some kind of final conflict where two enter and one leaves. Whether Joker hopes HE'LL die in the conflict or just prove that his reality is the correct one depends on which Joker you're talking about, I think.
Posted on 14 April 2014
After years of plotting his revenge against Batman the Scarecrow returns in Arkham Knight to gather the other super-villains and crush the dark knight. At least, that's what we're led to believe. The opening trailer tells that the Scarecrow has planted fear gas bombs around Gotham and has told the authorities, who evacuate the citizens... But Why? In Batman's profile of Scarecrow and his interview tapes found in Arkham Asylum, Scarecrow is described as a man who must instill fear in others in the name of research. When Batman finds Scarecrow's boat in Arkham City, it does not contain a set of blueprints, some fear gas and a "I will have my revenge" sign. The boat contains the results of an experiment on an inmate. If Scarecrow is so obsessed with research, why would he tell authorities of his bombs and evacuate an unsuspecting test city of 6 million people? (I understand that this is a convenient way for the developers to explain why there are no civilians in the city, but Rocksteady is normally very good with covering up potential plot weak points). Scarecrow is too intelligent to think that a compilation of independent super-villains will kill Batman (he's defeated them before). Furthermore, Scarecrow understands that if Batman does die, the police and military will not respect the no killing rule when retaking the city. So if killing Batman is not main priority then what is? The answer is that Scarecrow is using the bombs and the battle to prepare the city to be a perfect fear laboratory. In the confusion he can send some of his henchmen down into the steam-works (disguised as trapped workers) to attach cans of fear gas to Gotham's water and gas lines as well as the air ducts of major buildings. Another group of henchmen can simultaneously break into city hall and forge records of these new "additions". Thus when Scarecrow is "defeated" or goes into hiding and the city returns to normal, he will have a perfect test city with which to conduct fear experiments in a controlled environment.
Posted on 9 March 2014
I know that this series has mixed reviews from die hard Batman fans. However, for me, "The Batman" is what led me to my Batman obsession, and before it, and didn't care for him at all. I want to here other people's opinions on a series that wasn't always comic accurate, and that changed a lot of characters looks and personalities from their original persona.
Posted on 14 August 2013
... exactly the way it did. I see some complaints that having Batman go out the way he did was a cop-out, and I find myself in total disagreement.
Here is a character, like every famed and beloved comic book hero, who is plagued by his total inability to change. It's written into his dna. Bruce Wayne never changes, he's Batman and he'll always be Batman. If other characters have to hate him for it, we'll draw our drama from that (Batman Beyond). But no matter what, Bruce Wayne is Batman. In no format have we ever been really allowed to see the Batman character realistically evolve, until now. And that is just as daring a move as the rather obvious and un-clever one a lot of us predicted. Some of us wanted Batman to die. Well, he does.
Batman dies. Nolan has said that TDKR draws a lot from Tale of Two Cities. When Gordon reads the last lines in front of Wayne's tombstone, I thought it was meant to mean that this man has died so that the city may live. It's almost the same thing as TDK, really. Batman just making more sacrifices to ensure the future of his city. But it's not about that. In Tale of Two Cities Carlton dies so that Darnay, a man that he believes has much more to live for, can survive. In this way Carlton feels that his life had meaning. Batman doesn't die for Gotham, he dies to save Bruce Wayne. It's a genius incorporation of a genius novel, and integrating it's themes into the themes of Batman is a brilliant conceit from the (sometimes maligned) script.
Posted on 21 July 2012
My friends and I are planning on making a bunch of predictions for TDKR and putting some money on it. Then I thought, wouldn't it be great if /r/batman did the same thing? (No money of course). So how about it? I would totally be willing to create a Google doc or something, and then turn the data into graphs, charts, etc. /r/awake did this recently and I thought it was really cool.
If you're interested, upvote, comment, downvote, anything! I think this would be really interesting to get the predictions from the most knowledgeable Batman fans around. Also, let me know when you think the poll should be posted, closed, possible questions and answers, where the poll should be or anything else! (Date is important because more and more information is leaking out via trailers, leaked info, and cough action figures). It will also be interesting to see just how wrong (and right) our predictions are after the movie is out.
Possible Questions: 1. Does Batman die? A) If yes, then is he replaced? 2. Final scene? 3. Does Bane break Batman's back? 4. What is John Blake's role in the plot? 5. Does Ra's al Ghul come back, or is he simply in a flashback? 6. What is Miranda Tates role in the plot? (Love interest, Talia, other) 7. Does Anne Hathaway pull off her role as Catwoman? 8. How hyped is the movie to you? 9. Do you believe the movie will live up to the/your hype? 10. Will the movie receive any award nods? (Best film, directing, score, acting, effects, etc) 11. Do any other characters die? 12. Does scarecrow make an appearance? 13. When will you see the movie?
(Note: I tried to stray away from questions Nolan has officially denied, such as any Joker references. Also we want to prevent possible spoilers for twists people never thought about such as the new alleged toy spoiler, possible spoiler)
TL;DR I want to post a quick poll to get the community's predictions on TDKR, would you be interested?
Posted on 21 June 2012
I'm a huge fan of Damian Wayne so I bought the Morrison/Quietly BM&R but I'm totally confused as to why Nightwing is Batman. Which book should I read to get the story?
Posted on 23 May 2012
Posted on 16 February 2012
I mean, if he does die, then Christopher Nolan's practically already told us as much, what with images of the broken mask, the end of the prologue, the trailer in which Bane says, "When Gotham is in ashes, you will have my permission to die." I dunno, it just seems like a bit of a massive spoiler to give away several months before the film's released. Anybody else reckon Nolan's in the process of pulling off a massive bluff?
Posted on 15 December 2011
Posted on 21 June 2011
What's worse is, the guy used a really old draft, probably posted somewhere back in 2004ish. Current draft below, for comparison's sake, does having a .doc that's been copied around between hard drives multiple times really prove anything in this situation?
I thought it might be a laugh to write to him and Yahoo claiming that there's a $2,000 royalty fee on this article then just sit back and wait for the $ signs to come rolling in but beyond that I really wouldn't know if it's even worth pointing out to him that he's a shit for plagiarism, petty as it may be in this instance.
On why Batman is the greatest person, fictional or non, ever An urgent news bulletin
Batman. Even if you haven't read the comics, even if you haven't seen the movies, you know who he is. In a nutshell: Wears a scary as shit superhero costume, hangs out with the JLA, and beats suspects at roughly a Rodney King level of brutality. But what makes Batman more special than, say, not Batman?
He has no super powers
In your rush to assume that you were already up to speed with how Batman operates you may not have considered that he in fact possesses no super powers. So how does he do all of that amazing stuff? Simple, he trained long and hard for the majority of his childhood and all his adult life. Batman is trained in almost every conceivable art of fighting. Hell, he's even a ninja. And one thing that’s certain about ninjas is that they never, ever screw around. Unless you pay them specifically to screw around. Sure, it's easy to beat up your run-of-the-mill graverobbers and bootleggers and tubthumpers with ninja skills and gizmos, but then... Batman also beat up Superman. Yeah.
He can beat up fricking Superman
In Frank Miller’s Elseworlds tale 'The Dark Knight Returns', an aging Batman faces a bleak future where gangs of hooligans are killing in his name, getting about Gotham city with their violence and skateboards and varying rapster lingos.
Superman meanwhile has become the US Government's official lapdog, a strongarm enforcer of shady policy and the like. When Bruce Wayne once more decides to take on the mantle of the bat, political unrest sees the President send Superman after his old friend Bruce, with orders to stop him by any means. Of course, Superman knows that Batman will never be brought in alive, and so, of course, the two battle it out in an epic struggle punctuated by nuclear ICBMs raining down and snappy one-liners being tossed about in rapid fire succession as all hell breaks out around them.
It’s here that the veteran underdog’s heart begins to give, but it won’t quit on him before a final chance to wipe the shit-eating grin off Superman’s shit-enjoying face, pummeling Supes with a handy set of kryptonite gloves—engineered years ago for just such a contingency.
"You're beginning to get the idea, Clark. This is the end, for both of us. We could have changed the world. Now look at us. I've become a political liability, and you, you're a joke. I want you to remember, Clark... in all the years to come... in your most private moments... I want you to remember my hand at your throat... I want you to remember the one man who beat you..."
And then… Batman dies. Or does he? No. He totally fakes it. He rocks up six months later living under an assumed identity, teaching wayward street toughs how to fight crime. Just like Andy Kaufman.
He's the world's greatest detective
Batman's not just trained by the best fighters on this or any planet, but also the greatest criminologists and forensic psychologists. Bruce Wayne spent his adolescence travelling around the world, using his vast inherited wealth to study under skilled detectives and scholars of subterfuge. He learned about the criminal mind from the inside out by getting in amongst the seedier element of society on the ground floor of Gotham’s gritty underbelly—to observe, and acclimatize. Waiting for the moment when confidence and opportunity would align. Getting ready for a day when he could finally punch someone really fucking hard in the nutsack and then the face.
He recovered from a broken spine
When the super-criminal Bane busted all the inmates out of Gotham's Arkham Asylum, it fell upon Batman to round them all up. Each death at their hands was another for which he blamed himself. By the time that last mental case was recaptured, Batman was weak, exhausted, and just aching for a shit.
Only then did Bane strike, tracking Batman to his secret “bat’s cave”-themed lair, known as The Batcave, and with the aid of the super-steroid and sometime Spider-Man villain 'Venom', defeated the Dark Knight in hand-to-hand combat. Hoisting Batman high above his sizeable frame, Bane brought him down hard with a knee to the spine, fucking Batman’s shit all the way up to eleven.
Most people don't come back from a broken spine. There was, well, Bruce Lee, and that’s probably all. Therefore, while fictional, Batman remains the only living person who has recovered from a broken spine. It was a long, hard road back to good health and fighting form, but he returned triumphant, having sex with Bane’s sister and posting it on the internet.
He never loses
Batman is not only mentally and physically honed to perfection, but relentlessly driven by a score which can never be settled. When his parents were murdered in front of him as a boy, Bruce vowed to avenge their deaths with his indefinite war on crime. If he were to ever stop being the bat, he would be breaking that promise to his dead parents. If he were to lose, he would no longer be Batman. Therefore, Batman always wins. Physics.
Criminals are a cowardly and superstitious bunch, and thank God for small favors, as that cowardice manifests itself as a crippling fear of bats for an almost suspiciously high percentage of Gotham’s criminal underworld. Maybe the phobia of bats is a self-fulfilling prophecy, or maybe Bruce just got incredibly lucky, thanks to the environmental factors of a moderate climate and plentiful caves lining up perfectly with a population both enthralled and terrified by Sir David Attenborough’s recent, Bats: Nature’s Draculas.
He will haunt you
If by some miracle you thwart Batman, you will spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder. He will always find a way. The guy is literally insane, it’s not even worth the grief. While you’re busy sleeping and eating and shitting Batman is in a cave somewhere doing chin-ups while frowning at a computer printout of your face and current location. Oh yeah, and he only sleeps two hours a day. How? He’s fucking Batman.
He has a pretty expensive computer as well
In closing, Batman’s great. Just don’t screw with him. Don’t rob a Gotham bank or kill any prostitutes because Batman will be there to wreck your entire universe. It’s unclear where he stands on circumventing DRM or grey market imports but I personally wouldn’t take the risk. Batman will keep on fighting, and punching, and detecting the shit out of crimes, until the day he either dies, is replaced by someone with a scarier costumer, or resolves his numerous emotional issues.
Edit - Has been taken down by someone helpful in the thread, a lot of good advice handed out, and I'm glad for the feedback. This has been an overall positive experience, I appreciate you Reddit.
Posted on 7 December 2010
Posted on 14 October 2010